>Kanaya: Regain Sense Of Identity

[chastesaw]

[916 Bilko Boulevard, Action]

*It's very early in the morning, when all good human children should be sleeping soundly. Except that if, for whatever reason, you're walking through the halls in the dead of night, you might hear very troubled sounds from within Kanaya's room. It sounds like she's having a nightmare - an extremely vivid nightmare.

But even if you aren't in the hallways late at night, you might definitely hear it when the nightmare murmurings build to a frightened, panicked yelp - followed immediately by a crashing sound.

Kanaya is now lying on the floor of her bedroom, startled awake by falling out of her bed. ...what's also startling is that her hands are gray now when she looks at them. And she has horns again on the top of her head. Kanaya is once again a troll, meaning she now actually looks like she does in her icons. Oh, and now she'll have terrible nightmares every night without sopor.

If you come into the room you might find her looking at herself in the mirror or sitting in bed hugging her knees to her chest because she really doesn't want to fall asleep again.*

[Voice, Later]

I must admit I found the whole thing dubious, but it looks like this town is just as capable of restoring to us that which it took away, as much as it was capable of taking it in the first place. It's kind of a relief to have my troll body back, though I imagine I'll earn more stares from passersby as I go about everyday business.

In an altogether unrelated question, does anybody have an idea where one might come to acquire sopor slime? Say, enough to fill a small recuperacoon?

Comments

[crusthatecean.livejournal.com]

He wasn't infected and he kept going. You didn't see him before I got there.

[sigh]

I'm not trying to be a shithead about this, I'm just concerned. He goes around sharing that stuff with giant insects and offensive fake crab monsters, and it's bound to run out sometime.

What if I run out of things to trade? What if I get sent back, or worse, I get back here but I'm Past Karkat next time and I don't know he needs to be on it? What if awful things keep happening to him and the sopor isn't enough?

[chastesaw]

And you've explicitly impressed upon him the importance of rationing our supply, but he still keeps doing that... that's kind of vexing.

I've spoken with some humans who seem interested in creating a synthetic alternative that might suffice as an effective replacement for sopor. I didn't provide much data in the interests of privacy but if they could succeed it might help a great deal with our circumstances.

But failing that, I give you my word that if either of those scenarios come to pass I'll take care of the matter in your stead.

[crusthatecean.livejournal.com]

If that could work...yeah, no one needs to know he's dangerous, I don't want anyone to treat him that way.

I know you'll take care of him if I leave. I just...I'm worried if he slips even a little, we can't bring him back. And...I'm starting to have feelings that make me think it should have been me stopping him in the first place.

[chastesaw]

I understand. I don't either. I realize it's an unlikely scenario, but the thought that an alternative to sopor might exist, if only to aid us in restless respite-- well, I can't say my hopes aren't slightly raised. That's probably a mistake, though.

...how do you mean by that?

[crusthatecean.livejournal.com]

Yeah. I mean, I'm not having any trouble sleeping. But if it helps with Gamzee...

[He is, though. He's actually never been too bothered by the nightmares he knows the sopor is designed to prevent; the few times he's fallen asleep at his computer or watching movies in the past, it hasn't been bad.

But since coming here, he's been having nightmares of a different kind. He doesn't know if sopor will fix that, considering they plague him just the same as a human, and he doesn't really care. His bad dreams are all focused on what will be the reality if he doesn't work hard enough.]

It's stupid, but I've sort of been thinking a lot that maybe we aren't just friends. I mean, he came into my life out of nowhere and I've always sort of felt like I have a responsibility towards him. Especially now that I know what he's capable of, I just think he's more than that and I want to be the one who keeps that from happening.

You know what I mean?

[chastesaw]

If nothing else it would allow the rest of us to sleep soundly and devote any further sopor supplies for his use, so it might have indirect benefits if not direct ones. But that is admittedly a best case scenario.

*And she listens to him speak for a while - and she's quiet for a moment after he's finished speaking. She does know how he feels. She's felt that way too, once. And even if those feelings have come and (mostly) gone, she remembers them well.* ...I certainly do.

Karkat, you're saying you want to strike up a moiraillegiance with him, aren't you.

[crusthatecean.livejournal.com]

I don't know. Maybe.

I wouldn't be any good at it, but he's too dumb to know the difference.

[chastesaw]

Why wouldn't you be good at it? I think you might be perfect, actually.

[crusthatecean.livejournal.com]

Really?

I mean, I'm not exactly the most patient asshole around. Let alone a fucking calming influence.

[chastesaw]

There's no universal constant for moiraillegiance, Karkat. It depends on the other partner.

You don't think your presence is a calming one for Gamzee?

[crusthatecean.livejournal.com]

He's usually pretty calm on his own. All I do is stand around and say I hate him or he's stupid or something.

[chastesaw]

Mm, maybe. I think your presence does more than you realize on its own.

But more than that, you're actively caring for him, Karkat. Just think about everything you've said to me right now. That's the very essence of being a moirail.

[crusthatecean.livejournal.com]

Maybe.

I just hate to think that there was something I could have done for him in the veil and I didn't do it.

[chastesaw]

Blaming yourself for hypotheticals is a very dangerous path. One "what if" leads to a hundred more and none of them accomplish anything beyond making yourself feel worse, I promise you.

Are you going to let thoughts of what you could have done stop you from doing what you can do here?

[crusthatecean.livejournal.com]

It's not exactly a stretch to say I shouldn't have ignored my moirail when he was going insane.

I'm not going to do that again. Or I hope I won't, but I always manage to fuck up.

[chastesaw]

I can't say for certain seeing as how I wasn't conscious at the time, but I'm relatively certain you wouldn't have ignored him. You didn't try to speak with him? Even if it didn't do anything, moiraillegiance can't be forced upon somebody.

...you need to stop being so unreasonably hard on yourself.

[crusthatecean.livejournal.com]

No, I didn't. I let him wander off and didn't even go looking for him. I sent Equius to track him down instead.

I just didn't know if he'd want to talk to me, since he kept going on about all that blood status shit.

I don't think I'm being too hard on myself. Can you honestly say that?

[chastesaw]

And if I'm not mistaken, Karkat, this occurred after the incident with Eridan. It is perfectly reasonable to have had other potentially-lethal matters on your thinkpan at the moment.

Yes, I can honestly say that. And in fact, I am honestly saying that. You're taking on innumerable duties and expecting perfection in all of them. That is unreasonable, and you are being unreasonable. *Her voice is still gentle, but there's no mistaking the firmness there, either. Kind of like a mom, if trolls had them.*

[crusthatecean.livejournal.com]

But before that, when he wandered off. I should have tried to find him.

I'm sorry, I know you want to help, but I think you're wrong. Maybe there are times and places for 'whoops, I tried my best, screwed the woofbeast in millions of ways, but I sure did give it my all' but the end of the world isn't one of them. After you asked others to follow you and trust in your decisions isn't one of them. When you failed someone who believed in you and really needed you isn't one of them.

[chastesaw]

I'm not wrong, Karkat. You're our leader, and really I think you're easily the most suited for that role amongst our group of cohorts, but that also means knowing when to delegate matters to others, because you have other things you need to consider.

Do you think you can do everything? Do you have so little faith in the rest of us that you believe it should be your job to deal with every last crisis on your own?

[crusthatecean.livejournal.com]

Of course I have faith in you.

But they trusted me. I don't think I have to tell you how much that... [He trails off, uncomfortable expressing that outloud even to Kanaya.]

I haven't really done anything right. You can't tell me that doesn't matter.

[chastesaw]

Then you ought to let us have some responsibility for what happens. Because we place our trust in you, that doesn't mean any of us expects you to do everything. You are our leader, and as such are concerned with larger matters than minutiae.

Whether you believe that you haven't done anything right isn't important, because I don't believe you've necessarily anything wrong, either. You have been faced with difficult decisions and you have acted to prevent disaster as well as you were able.

[crusthatecean.livejournal.com]

[No, that's not right. He should have been able to do more. If this was the best he was able to do, then he's just worthless with no hope of ever changing that, and he doesn't want to believe that.

But he knows Kanaya won't appreciate that perspective, and he doesn't want to argue about this.]

Maybe you have a point.

[chastesaw]

I certainly have a point, and you aren't just saying that so I'll drop the matter, are you?

[crusthatecean.livejournal.com]

...Maybe.